I told another close friend
There was another close friend to me that I had yet to disclose my new decision to. I rang her, and after some small talk about how we had been, I told her the news: my wife and I had decided to step away from the church and I wanted you to hear it from me first. She responded as she typically does, "Yeah I figured it was something like that." She then dropped a one-liner that stuck with me:
"That's what happens when you stop going to church."
I had to brush that line aside even though it hurt to hear my decision reduced to a single action. Why would such a line hurt? When I was a TBM (true believing Mormon), I would hear about the importance of going to church every Sunday, and the importance of living the gospel everyday. Various analogies would be told to help members understand why it is important to stay. "It's like using your arm; if you bend it and lift with it, and use it, it will stay strong. But when I put it in a sling, it will become weak." "It's like taking care of a plant. You must nuture it regularly, feeding it the food and water it needs. If you stop, it will wither away on its own." "It's like going to the gym. If you go and lift and exercise, your body will become strong. But if you stop, your body will become weak on its own." "If you stop going to church, you will naturally lose your testimony." The belief that if you disengage from church you will naturally leave is interesting. In the busyness of church, you never really get a chance to stop and think if what you are doing it true. Whe you step away, you get more time to think about it. This comes naturally as you stop attending for 2-3 hours each Sunday, as you stop attending meetings, and home teaching, and activities, and missionary lessons, and youth nights, and choir practices just to name a few things on top of the expectation to be studying the scriptures every day, attend the temple and give service to members of the ward. Once you get to step away from it all, you naturally have more time. With that time, I was able to consider if I wanted to go back, and in so doing, I stumbled across my changed attitudes towards the gay community. And so to be told that my leaving the church is simply because I stopped going to church is a serious oversimplification for a process that has a huge impact. And the way in which it was said had this back-hand of "you should have known better" attached to it. But anyway...
In saying all this, she gave me the time to talk about how I had come to the decision and where I was on my journey currently. I really appreciated that. Most people that I spoke to gave me that space. At the time, I still told people, and told her, that my starting reason for questioning the church wasn't because of history but because of my new appreciation and understanding for the LGBT+ community which started when I found out my friend was gay. I went further into my thinking at the time on this topic, which included the following.
My newfound view of the LGBT+ community
The Mormon view on the LGBT+ community, particularly surrounding the L and the G, are this: we love them, but cannot accept their lifestyle to be in line with God's plan of salvation. According to Mormon theology, God's grand plan of salvation require a man and a woman to create a family the natural way here on Earth, and then to be able to do that in the next life too. The purpose of sex is to primarily procreate to have families, and then to express love between a man and a woman within the bounds of marraige. And so to engage in sex in a way that doesn't facilitate that procreative directive, i.e. loving expressions between any two same-sex people, does constitute following that plan. So, the church teaches that gay people need not act on their feelings, but rather choose a life of celibacy than commit sexual sin. And in the next life, it will all work out through the atonement of Jesus. How? What does working it out in heaven mean? According to what is taught about heaven, it's not like in heaven you're suddenly straight so that you can have the family the traditional way. The Book of Mormon teaches that when you die, you arrive at the spirit world exactly the way you left. I used to teach as a missionary that if you die an angry person, you'll be resurrected as an angry person. If you die impatient, you'll be raised impatient. If you die addicted to cigarettes, you'll crave them in the next life. So that would mean that gay people (according to the Book of Mormon) exist in heaven. They just won't be able to experience joy like straight people. The doctrine creates these little problems that get plugged up by some answer that explains away and dismisses the problem, reducing to a few phrases that when pressed don't hold up. Members usually will need to concede that "we don't know everything."
She agreed that on this topic, there is much we don't know and that she herself struggled to reconcile. She mentioned that she just worries that I would become this angry, bitter ex-mormon who would be loud, raise concerns and try to tell everyone about my new-found knowledge. I found this slightly strange considering the church's message is to share the gospel of new-found knowledge with everyone. So, really I would just be doing what I used to do but with different information. She told me of all the people she knows that in her view have spiralled down into a bitter, angry state.
Little note on why Ex-Mormons appear angry
I heard, and continue to hear, how members would say that the result of leaving church and cutting ties to god's spirit and covenants will manifest in expressions of bitterness, anger, and attempts to share the truth with others about their new-found knowledge in the post-Mormon world. But the worst line uttered is this: You can leave the church, but you can't leave it alone. That seems to be one of the most invalidating, closed-minded things that could be said about ex-Mormons. Do you know why we come off as bitter, angry and forthcoming about what we now know? Do you know why we can't leave it alone?
For me, it's because I took this all LITERALLY, like how I was taught to take it. Joseph LITERALLY saw god and Jesus, wrote a book that when I prayed to know it was true, that warm feeling I got was god's actual spirit coming down and making me feel warm by touching my heart. Every part of the church to me was real including my justification that gay people were confused, had a condition that was just their thing to deal with on this mortal Earth. That was all wrong. The church is not what it claims to be! But for 28 years of my life, I was told otherwise. I put off dating girls, pursuing studies, career options, friends, social opportunities because of the church. I paid close to $30, 000 in donations that have gone to pay for the "living allowances" of the leaders of a church that apparently doesn't have a paid ministry. I feel cheated. I feel deceived. I feel lied to and I feel foolish for being duped. When my leaving experience is reduced to because I stopped going to church, or wanting to sin or to see what the world is like, I get upset. This is why I think Mormons who leave get upset, and it's not ok. Listen to us. Talk with us. Most of us want to just share how we now see it.
Our conversation didn't include the above paragraph to that detail, but I in much fewer words described that my goal isn't to become a prolonged bitter person regarding the church. I just don't have a problem reading material that would be considered anti. Her husband heard the word anti-Mormon material and chimed in claiming to have read all of the "main stuff" and that it never affected him, but that he could explain much of it. I realised very quickly that he was not in the position of listening truly to how I felt about it all. It would just become a debate where he would listen so that he could come back with a point. That's how it felt. He is a really nice guy, but just not for me at this time.
The conversation, like with my other friend went in a civil manner, and she expressed her love for me as a friend.
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