The classic phrase uttered by almost everyone at some point in their Mormon journey, and one of the most subjective concepts taught, yet relied upon as one of the best tools to navigate truth.
On this day, I listened to a Mormon Stories episode 1563 where a girl named Faith Erickson spoke out about redefining sexuality and body autonomy. The episode runs for 2 and a half hours, and so I will only speak to the notes I took at the time, but the whole episode is worth a listen. From the episode, there were two main points that struck me as being very real when you belong to the church; the doctrine of your own voice and the voice of the Spirit is very confusing, and your sexuality is something the church tries to own.
Is it the Spirit, or just me?
From the age of Primary, I was taught that the still small voice was how god spoke to us, unless you were a prophet, which meant he actually spoke to you. Like Moses and the burning bush, or Smith and the First vision. This voice was called the Holy Ghost, the Spirit, the Comforter and so on. He was a member of the godhead and his role (yes, he is defined as a man spirit thanks to the Book of Mormon) is to guide us in the way that we should go. I was taught that everyone was born with something called the Light of Christ which acts as a sort of conscience, inner voice, that gut feeling, but that the Spirit was something that had to be bestowed upon you after a proper baptism as early as 8. Once you had this gift, you were then entitled to receiving personal revelation directly from god. The catch; you have to be worthy.
What does that mean to be worthy? Depends on who you ask. Some might say by keeping all the commandments. What are they? Yeah, try asking a Mormon that question. Where would you start? Some might say if you have committed a sexual sin then you are not worthy. Some say shopping on a Sunday means you are not worthy. The point is, you need to qualify for this voice. But the greatest challenge members have is determining what is the voice of the Spirit and what is your own voice. Some have tried to define it as being a warm fuzzy feeling. Some describe it was a confirming feeling when you hear someone bear their testimony about how the church is true. Whatever it is, it is described as being something different from your own voice. In fact, it is separated so much from your own voice, that it is placed in favour of your own voice. If you want to have a drink of coffee, but have a guilty feeling telling you not to, members (I used to) would say that is the Spirit warning you to stay away. If you feel down about not going to church on Sunday, members would say that's the Spirit nudging you to make the right choice next week and come to church. If you say you feel like it's important to stop paying tithing because money is tight this month, and it's either your rent or tithing to the church, members will say (and I used to say this too) that is your own voice misleading you to do something the church advises against, and you should probably listen to the Spirit which would tell you to have faith in the blessing of tithing.
The prophet's voice is another voice you should listen to above your own. If the prophet gives a commandment, or tells the members to start doing something, you should prioritise it. And others will bear their testimony to you that the Spirit told them that what they said was true! But if you say you feel otherwise, well that is just your own voice, and you need to not listen to the natural man because he is an enemy to God (Mosiah 3:19). You lose your own voice, your own ability to make decisions for yourself. I now believe that training yourself to heed a voice other than your own is a quick way to erode one's own ability to make decisions for themselves. We need to learn to listen to ourselves. We need to trust ourselves, and give ourselves credit when credit is due rather than attribute it to some invisible entity.
Own your own sexuality, and not the sexuality of others
This was the other concept that spoke to me. The podcast episode was given from a woman's perspective, but I internalised it anyway and found it spoke to a man's perspective too. Faith went on to talk about how she felt like her Mormon experience taught her to be ashamed of her body, to cover it from the world, and all for her own protection. She related the experience when she had left the church, she eventually booked a boudoir photography session to help her feel sexy in her own skin because the church had taught her that being sexy is evil. I remember in youth lessons and during youth discussions that being sexy was equal to being immoral, and God's elect were not to be immoral. Girls were chastised for wearing anything that might appear to be sexy; a low cut top, or anything that showed cleavage, and a skirt or a pair of shorts that showed off too much leg, jewellery that drew too much attention to parts of the body like the navel. Anything that hugged the body, or anything sheer or revealing. Like the list just went on and on for girls! I felt sorry for them that when the topic of modesty came up, it was for the girls.
One crazy concept that circulates the world, but is particularly all the craze in the Mormon church is the idea that if a girl wears something that might make her look sexy or feel good in her own body will make the guys at church have bad thoughts. The idea that girls are held responsible for the thoughts of guys is just sexism at a whole new level. I have heard stories that when a girl and guy have sex outside of marriage, the girl will get punished and blamed way harder than the guy because she probably provoked him with her appearance. It's an awful concept that was taught while I was a youth and I believe is probably still taught today.
Faith in her podcast episode commented on how wrong it is to have your sexuality owned by someone else where they dictate to you what's appropriate from their perspective, that they get to tell you when to feel sexy and when it's too far. She also mentioned that it is wrong to own someone else's sexuality, for example, expecting a guy to be clean and to have never looked at porn or masturbated before, and when finding out that he does or has, being disgusted and dismissive of him. I did this as a teenager just like all other teenagers did. It's what teenagers do! It's what adults do. Is that up to others to dictate what they do? As far as porn use and masturbation are concerned, that up to the individual to dictate and govern that. In a couple, talk about it and work it out. Some couples like to do that, together or individually. If it's illegal and it's hurting someone, stop that. Ethical porn is a thing. Masturbation to discover how your body works is a thing. Church really tries to set the goalposts for proper sexual conduct, and anything outside of that is a quick brand of filthiness and unworthiness, and it's no wonder that many people feel like they don't measure up enough. And I'm not talking about extreme and unhealthy habits, those should be handled with care and with proper medical attention. I am talking about your average, self-ware person who is just trying to figure themselves out.
Stop dictating the sexuality of others. Humans are super expressive creatures. Express! Don't hurt anyone with your actions and slanders of emotional and verbal judgements. In the words of Mouse from The Matrix:
"To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human."
A few weeks later I had a chat with my siblings and we opened up about some of these topics. I was amazed to hear us talk so openly and with such heartful ears towards one another. My siblings spoke to these damaging concepts and the double-speak they saw happen amongst members their age and those who should know better. The church can be a good place, but these cultural problems which I believe are informed by upheld, theological beliefs are problematic to the development of the youth and other adults of the church. People are living with their arms and legs tied, and are told it's for their own good.
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