Leaving Mormonism means also Leaving God
During the month of May, I can see several instances where I started to shift in my thinking and perception on topics and viewpoints. For example, I listened to episode 1544 of Mormon Stories that talked about the leaked talk that Brad Wilcox gave at the Alpine Stake in Utah. The commentary offered made some points that I resonated with, one of which being that the doctrine of Jesus and God from the Mormon view creates a version of Jesus and God that cannot be easily transferred to another branch of Christianity. I would say that because of the way to church teaches its members that it is the only true church with the most correct doctrine, and if someone decides to leave the church, at least for me, it ruins the concept of God and Jesus. I believe this is true for me because when I was taught about the God and Jesus and their nature and place in the grand Plan of Salvation; it was literal. In a corner of the universe, these beings existed in flesh and bones. They were real. They had both been on this Earth to be tried and attained godhood through their actions and by following the decree of the gods. Alma 42 mentions in verse 22 and alluded to in other verses that laws exist that God must follow, and if god breaks them, he would cease to be god, and so by definition, God became God because he followed the rules. These attributes taught are heresies to other branches of Christianity. Why? Because when I taught them to other members of the Christian community, I was told I had been led astray and was lost. But because they are so deeply rooted due to the monopoly of truth concept, I cannot seem to break away from that perception of who god is, and consider any other take on the literal nature of god as not measuring up. On the podcast, they say that often when people leave the Mormon church, they also leave behind their belief in God and Jesus, and that explained how I was starting to feel at that time. It was, and still is easier to not believe in deity rather than try to redefine it.
God Uses Broken People
I considered something that was said to me while working at a Christian high school during their prayer meeting; they thanked God for using broken people to do his work. What did this mean? I think it meant that when god wants to interact with this Earth, he chooses to use us, and because we are not perfect, his messages may not translate perfectly. Imagine intentionally using that practice in a business. But deep down, I wondered if perhaps I was attributing too much blame on the leadership of the church since none of us including them are perfect. I wondered if maybe I was being too critical of past leaders and the things they said or did. These times would soften my mind and slow down the process of my thinking and attitude becoming cynical and untrusting, and I saw that balance as a good step forward.
It was at this school I had an emotional experience when one day the worship team was singing the song Amazing Grace. I would have called this a spiritual experience back in the Mormon days, but I call it an emotional experience because that is how I now see it, and that’s how I saw it then. I began to have feelings of missing my relationship with Jesus and with how “nice” the church felt. Perhaps it was the security of hope or the feeling of community. But my views were changing to the point where they were no longer compatible with its teachings.
Maybe the BIBLE and BOOK OF MORMON are just metaphors
I was first introduced to the idea that the global flood has no scientific evidence of even happening; that it is more likely that the evidence supports a large localised flood in several areas instead. This made me think that perhaps the events in the Bible are more metaphorical than literal. If that was the case, then the book could be read knowing that parts are good and parts are bad rather than this notion held by some that the whole book is perfect and unflawed, or that the whole collection is just a carefully crafted attempt to bridle the masses into a moral mould. But this idea went against the church and its doctrine that is it the word of God, and in the case of the Book of Mormon, would disavow the Restoration, Smith's story, and according to Gordon Hinkley, the whole church would fall apart.
During this time, I added this note:
I feel like I no longer have a relationship with God. And I’m terrified at not knowing how to authentically acquire that again, since my framework for determining truth was to pray about it and it if feels true and the leaders of the church agree with it then it’s true. That framework is out the window.
At this point, I was trying to pinpoint a summed-up-package-answer for “why did you leave the church?” And as I have journeyed, that response has been added to and changed. If people ask me that question now, I say this: I no longer believe the church is what it claims to be. That seems to sum up the bulk of it. But during this time, I was struggling with trying to redefine my identity, starting with my relationship with God and how I decided what truth was.
Comments
Post a Comment