With my new decision to suspend my attendance from church and maintain an active effort to live the gospel, I found myself open to new and sometimes opposing views, and a greater appreciation for those feeling a heavy sense of guilt from “not quite living the gospel.” And I should clarify that my efforts to not actively live the gospel did not mean I was drinking alcohol and coffee and participating in all activities the church would be opposed to; that would come later. Rather, I stopped paying tithing, stopped attending church, took my name off the ward contact list, requested a release from my stake calling, and told myself it was ok to stop praying (because up until this time, I was beginning to feel more and more estranged from the idea of praying to a being I may no longer believe in).
During this time, I met with a family member who was in hospital, and had been for an extended period of time. We spoke about the feelings of guilt and shame, the differences between them, and the perceived role they are meant to play in a church context, particularly around the concept of exact obedience.
Exact Obedience and hook that runs deep
The concept of exact obedience is as it sounds, and is prominently taught directly and indirectly at church. God (or his servants in the capacities of prophets, apostles, bishops, stake presidents etc…) commands, we obey whole-heartedly and exactly. When we choose not to obey, we are guilty by definition of being disobedient, which is a sin. This is what I was taught growing up, and what I taught as a missionary. While there may be degrees of leniency between members, it is never taught that there can be much room for nuance or interpretation. The analogy often used is a truck driver being tested for how close to the edge he can park, and parks as far away as he can because it is safer. I remember many youth lessons that described the importance of being exactly obedient, and not trying to live life close to the edge of disobedience. This concept links back to a previous post where I talked about the perceived ability to defend ourselves from Satan and keep the magical, protective spirit shield up.
This concept also plays a role during interviews with leadership. I believe this cultural phenomenon is informed by the doctrines taught surrounding exact obedience and in trying to do all you can to keep Satan away. If struggles are happening or anything is out of harmony in a person's life, leaders will often ask if you are doing things that are equated to spiritual promotion, similar to how a doctor might ask if you are eating fruits and veggies when you disclose you are feeling tired. Questions include, "Are you reading your scriptures, saying your prayers and paying your tithing? Are you fasting, and attending to your calling with diligence? Are you keeping the law of chastity and the Word of Wisdom?" It is believed that there are real links between your situation and your level of exact obedience. So, if you are struggling to find work, you will be asked if you are paying a full tithe. If you are struggling with studies, you will be asked if you are dedicating enough time to scripture study. If you are having marital problems, you will be asked if you are living the law of chastity. If you are having a disagreement with family members, you will be asked if you are magnifying your calling. I now find it such an odd perception once you realise the first tenet of Buddhism is true; that life is suffering. Life is arbitrary, random, and unbias. Sometimes, things just are hard and there's no specific reason why.
Unfortunately, this is one of the deadly hooks in Mormonism that I continue to find still buried in my psyche, and often at inconvenient times. My poor wife has seen me break down into anxiety attacks over a hyperfocused connection between a difficult situation and the decision to not be a Mormon anymore; that my struggles are a direct result for NOT paying tithing, for NOT praying and reading my scriptures, for NOT going to church, for NOT keeping the Word of Wisdom, for NOT doing my ministering, for NOT magnifying my calling, for NOT honouring my baptismal and temple covenants, for NOT wearing my garments, for NOT believing in the Book of Mormon, for NOT believing in god and Jesus, for NOT believing the church is true. This hook in my brain is hard to pull out. It is deep and tightly wound with a thin, strong fishing line that tugs, and tugs hard. I believe it is a trained response and will take years of conscious effort to untrain and redirect. I do not hold much against the church, but this is definitely a teaching that I attribute a lot of pain to.
So, in the hospital, we discussed the effects these guilty feelings can have on us, and how we can often indirectly shame and be shamed by some for not doing enough. We both agreed that while guilt serves a purpose to change, the guilt we experienced in church was destructive and pushed us in a direction that appeared not to coincide with the teachings of Jesus. From our understanding, Jesus was way more accepting of people who made mistakes. Although, you would often hear people teaching the parts of the Bible and sections of the Book of Mormon and modern revelation where Jesus accepted nothing but righteousness.
We also realised that people outside a Christian mindset seem to be far more understanding when you struggle. At least, this was our experience. It felt nice to speak in such open ways that perhaps couldn’t be said in a church setting, and to hear my family member speak like this, especially given my recent decision.
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