I was taught to stay away from all material that was not faith-promoting, labelled as anti-Mormon material. Particularly, if I saw any videos that were titled “Why I left the church” I quickly swiped away. I very much employed this thinking, until one day I saw one that made me think, “Oh let’s watch one and if it’s an angry one I’ll skip it.”
The video is linked here. It was not at all what I thought when it came to “anti-Mormon material.” The presenter started off by telling his story, and then shared the experiences he had that caused him to wonder. I had often given room for the thought “imagine if the church wasn’t true” but then quickly would come up with reasons to counter that thought, usually drawing upon the experiences I had had prior. But this time, I actually took that thought seriously. In the video, he mentioned that it was the experience of having his son that made him wonder if he wanted this for his child. And so he doubled down and really sought to find out if it was the path for his family to pursue.
One day riding his bike, he received what he perceived to be the answer, and it was no. He felt at peace with this and has since, transitioned out. I knew people had received answers that the church was true, but it didn’t make logical sense to me for people to receive the answer to leave. But I cannot deny their experiences, and how it made them feel. It would be wrong to assign unworthiness or confusion as the reason people receive answers that appear to be contrary to the church, right?
Satan is taught to be a real influencer
It was readily taught that Satan was a real entity, banished to Earth with his demons to actually walk around and tempt everyone to do things that opposed God. And as such, I was taught that by straying from the covenant path I would be subject to him; that the magical shield called the Spirit was only able to work if I did all the right things, a bit like a car that is powered by song.
It was taught to me in plain scripture passages;
2nd Nephi 2:17-18 "...an angel of God, according to that which is written, had fallen from heaven; wherefore, he became a devil, having sought that which was evil before God. And because he had fallen from heaven, and had become miserable forever, he sought also the misery of all mankind."
Also, verse 27 "Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself."
Oh and verse 29 "[Choose not] eternal death, according to the will of the flesh and the evil which is therein, which giveth the spirit of the devil power to captivate, to bring you down to hell, that he may reign over you in his own kingdom."
Moroni 7:11-12 "...a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil. Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually."
And verse 17 "But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him."
There are countless other instances that can be found with a simple text search on the church's own website where Satan is purported to be controlling the minds and hearts of non-believers. And to me it is very clear now that these passages give a very black and white characteristic to this concept; if you are following god (i.e. following the church, because remember, the two are mutually interconnected thanks to the concept of the Restoration) then you have the magical spirit shield to protect you from Satan; if you are not following god (i.e. following the church) then by definition, you are under Satan's power and are termed his angel, his servant, his to be puppeteered to do all his evil bidding. I am not exaggerating this concept; this is what is literally taught and believed by most Mormons. This is what I wholeheartedly believed and taught others...because it said it. And I believed it was all literally true...because there is no room for lukewarm attitudes when it comes to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. God is on record (if the Bible is believed to be true) saying that he will vomit you up for being lukewarm-committed to him (Revelation 3:16). I am proud to say that I no longer believe this. And it was refreshing to hear this man declare that he felt at peace with his decision to leave the church.
Leaving the church was now a possibility
It was here that I saw that leaving the church and it being the right decision was not only a possibility but that it might even be healthy. It should be noted that the decision to leave the church is equal to killing yourself, but in a spiritual sense. It is equal to cutting the safety line to god. It is equal to taking all the covenants that I had made in the temple, at my baptism, in my priesthood ordinations, my mission calling, all those promises of devotion, and tearing them up in front of god. Leaving the church is not like quitting the gym. It's unthinkable. And yet, here I was for the first time seeing that I could leave. This is the type of grip the doctrines of the church had over my mind. You become a slur when you leave, an infected entity to stay away from. I have been in actual lessons where I was taught (in the context of those who leave the church) that when a piece of fruit becomes rotten, you must keep all other pieces of fruit away from it so it does not become rotten also. How shameful that this was taught, and is probably still being taught.
And so later in the month, I asked my wife to a burger joint and told her that maybe we take a break from attending church. Her reaction to this day surprised me. She sighed with relief! She then told me that she would’ve have continued to support me in the church my whole life because of how important it was to me. I felt guilty that I had inadvertently been bringing her along this whole time and I didn't fully understand how she felt about it all. It was out of love and support that she went along with it. She truly is a keeper of a partner!
The decision was made then and there that we would stop attending church, stop paying tithing (which seemed like a natural thing to do given this decision) and start focusing more on redefining our family direction. It felt right. What I did not anticipate was how right that decision was, and how hard the next years would be to redefine who I was.
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