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April, 2020 - April, 2021

Since the setting in of COVID-19 in April 2020, the church closed its doors to its members and encouraged everyone to have "church in their homes" and gave permission for the sacrament to be performed by "worthy" priesthood holders. The Come, Follow Me program was introduced as a way to teach the gospel in the home, and for members to have a schedule to study from. When the church started meeting again, it became a study tool for members to use in preparation for attending Sunday school. 

My wife and I struggled to get this going in our household. We already did not do family home evenings on Monday nights as the church instructed. We still said prayers over most meals, and I was continuing to say my personal prayers at night. But we turned out Sabbath Sunday into a family day and used it to spend time doing activities we felt brought us closer together. At this stage, our son was one and our daughter was not born yet. In the times that we did try to attend church, it was spent chasing our son along the back wall and not spent listening to attending classes. It felt like a wasted time to be there when we could be out doing other things. Getting our son ready for church was also a struggle. We were late several times and missed the sacrament, which is taught to be the main reason you should be going to church. And so, the decision to skip Sundays was easy to do. When my wife became pregnant with our daughter, she stopped coming. Her morning sickness became so severe that moving was painful. I would take my toddler to give her a break. It was around this time that I was called to be the Sunday School President. This meant I did not attend classes but rather bounced between classes to check on everyone. Or relief-teach as needed.

I remember a time when we all came to church together, and a certain sister spoke. The title of her talk was probably something like How to be a Faithful Wife. What parts of the talk I do remember deeply impacted my wife. These were some of the sentences that hurt her:

I know I'm not perfect, but we try hard to be as faithful as we can because it is expected of us to do so. 


We say our prayers, read our scriptures and make time for family home evening. It's a struggle but it's how we keep our faith strong.

Of course, these are not direct quotes but were the key messages that were conveyed that brought a sense of guilt upon my wife that she was not doing enough as a faithful LDS wife. She took that to heart, and when she expressed it to me, she said she felt "not good enough." I do not believe she attended church after that Sunday. And I never pushed her. I am sure it was not the intent of this sister to convey that message in that way, but her words create an expectation of LDS women that day, and it hurt my wife.

When I recently asked her about this experience, she elaborated on why she felt hurt. When I baptised her into the church, she was excited! She loved the doctrine of families being together forever and loved how much the church focused on the family. But even though she tried to believe, and participate, and do all the things required of members, this talk encapsulated cultural standard, one informed by the teachings of prophets, seers, and revelators. 

As a Mormon, you are expected to fulfill certain obligations, duties and practices. Though many have tried to detail such a list of do's and don't's, and as a result get banned on church book lists and disappear down the memory hole, I will list a few that my wife particularly observed that she saw as being required of her, remembering that she was working full time, and we had our son to care for as well as each other:

- Hold a church lesson night called Family Home Evening every Monday that included a lesson, songs, and food.

- Be engaging in personal and family prayer every morning, evening, meal, and throughout the day.

- Fulfill her duty to check in with members that she might not necessarily know on a regular basis as part of the Ministering program in the church.

- Be completing a daily study of the scriptures, individually and as a family.

- Volunteering her spare time to serving others.

- Fulfilling a calling involving time during the week and time on Sunday.

- Having our son dressed and always presentable, particularly at church.

- Being well kept and well groomed and skinny.

- Always be happy.

- Always be pure.

- Always be feeling the spirit.

As you can tell, the list evolves into this strange cultural representation of the perfect Mormon wife that is through subtle comments and talks molded and inserted into the minds of many women at church. This idealised saint of perfection is the result of the underlying principle taught; to be ye therefore perfect. It is this outdated 1950s representation re-invented in modern attire that my wife heard preached from the pulpit that day; the same culture that made her feel like she wasn't doing enough that gave her much a feeling as to not want to return. For my wife, she saw then what I see now; that the inverse of 1 Thessalonians 5:3 was at play. Abstain from all appearance of evil. Indulge in all appearance of righteousness. 

There is an expectation all too well exercised and expected to engage in an appearance of righteousness. Every ward has that perfect Mormon family that all show up, looking skinny, well groomed, nice car, and who "serve faithfully." Maybe it's real, but the preaching of it hurt my wife that day, and she had enough of it.

Why has the tone changed here? Because I am sad that this was what contributed to my wife not wanting to return to church. It wasn't historical problems, though they are many. It wasn't problems with the Book of Mormon or other scriptures, though they are many. And it wasn't the problems with current doctrinal irregularities, though they are many. It was the unreachable bar of perfection that was preached and expected by those who play the image-presenting game of righteous appearances. I recognise that people are not perfect even in a good community, but a culture like this that is informed by the very doctrines that were supposed to be inspired by a perfect, loving god? No thanks.




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